Relationships are tricky things. Sometimes they are difficult to navigate. Sometimes you’ve been in one too long to realize it’s not right. Sometimes you get so comfortable with unhappiness that you forget what happiness looks like, or don’t feel like you can do better.
My relationship isn’t perfect, but it’s satisfying and happy and it’s taught me a few things about what keeps long-term partnerships working.
Here are a few of those things that I’ve learned do seem to say something about the strength of your union:
- He loves his mum: How your boyfriend treats his mum indicates how he views women in general. Someone who was raised to respect and listen to the first women he knew will definitely respect you as well.
- You speak your mind: Relationships thrive when couples can express themselves freely and honestly. That means no topic is off-limits, and you both feel heard. Consistent communication is vital to building a lasting life together.
- You share a passion for your future together: Ever met the guy who just isn’t interested in “settling down”? If you’re dating that guy, you’re doing yourself a disservice. In the right relationship both partners are enthusiastic about a future together. And while not everything lasts forever, partners who share a vision for what their future entails are in a much better position than partners who don’t, or worse, don’t even discuss the topic.
- You’re attracted to your partner mind, body and spirit: Attraction is probably the first thing that motivated the pursuit of a relationship. But are you attracted to his mind? Are you attracted to her spirit? Is he the kind of person you could have conversations with years from now when you’re both old and wrinkly? Is she the kind of person whose joy will shine through when her face shows her age?
- You fight respectfully: Disagreements are normal, so if you aren’t fighting, chances are you’re holding back. But when people in healthy relationships fight, they fight productively and fairly. That means avoiding name-calling or put-downs. It also means striving to understand your partner instead of trying to score points. And when you’re wrong? You apologize.
- You make decisions jointly: You don’t call all the shots. Neither does your partner. From what movie to see to how many children to have, you make decisions together and listen to each other’s concerns and desires.
- You find joy: Healthy relationships are full of laughter and fun. This doesn’t mean you’re giddy every hour of the day—or that she doesn’t drive you up the wall sometimes—but it does mean that your life together is mostly happy in sometimes simple ways.
- You Keep each other’s secrets: Are you diligent about protecting your partner’s privacy? This is a small, but very important issue that signifies the level of respect and value you hold for your partner.
- You treat each other with kindness: Nothing is more important than treating the person you love with care, consideration, empathy, and appreciation. If you find yourself showing more respect to people you hardly know than you show your partner, take a step back and revisit your priorities.
- Your relationship is your safe place: Your relationship should be a safety net—a stable place to come home to at the end of the day. That doesn’t mean you don’t fight—it just means that when things are hard, you’d rather see your partner than commiserate with coworkers at Happy Hour.
- You Talk To Your Partner, Not To Other People: When you have issues and concerns, you share them with your partner, not your Facebook friends. You can use pals as a sounding board, of course, but not as a crutch to avoid hard conversations with your significant other.
